Breaking the Chains: Understanding Why We Tolerate Hurtful Behavior and How to Stop
In the intricate dance of human relationships, we often find ourselves tolerating hurtful behavior from others, unknowingly subjecting our emotional well-being to unnecessary turbulence. The phrase "we get what we tolerate" holds a profound truth about the patterns we allow in our lives. But what does tolerating really mean? Renowned researcher and author Brené Brown sheds light on this by defining tolerating as enduring or withstanding pain or hardship without giving in or succumbing. Brown suggests that tolerating goes beyond mere acceptance; it involves enduring something that, deep down, one knows they shouldn't endure. It implies accepting a situation or discomfort despite recognizing that it may not be healthy or beneficial in the long run. Essentially, the idea is about enduring something despite an inner awareness that it might not be in one's best interest.
Our inclination to tolerate hurtful behavior often finds its origins in a complex interplay of factors, reaching back to our upbringing, past traumas, or even the inherent nature of being a compassionate and loving individual. Childhood experiences and past relationships, coupled with a surplus of empathy, contribute to shaping our tolerance threshold, subtly influencing what we perceive as acceptable or normal in our interactions. In her extensive research on vulnerability and shame, Brown underscores the pivotal role of shame resilience in establishing healthy boundaries. Without this resilience, we may unwittingly find ourselves tolerating behaviors that not only compromise our values but also jeopardize our overall well-being.
Tolerating the unacceptable is not just a fleeting inconvenience; it's a corrosive force that gradually erodes the bedrock of our self-worth and self-love. This subtle yet powerful dynamic has a profound impact, acting as a barrier that holds us back from the happiness and fulfillment we rightfully deserve. To delve deeper into this, let's reflect on the checklist below. Consider 20 things that, perhaps unconsciously, we may tolerate from others. This checklist serves as a mirror, inviting introspection into the aspects of our lives where tolerations may be undermining our peace, happiness, and self-love. By bringing these tolerations to light, we take the first step towards dismantling the barriers that impede our path to genuine happiness and self-empowerment.
Checklist of what we shouldn’t tolerate from others:
Disrespectful communication
Constant criticism
Lack of support
Emotional manipulation
Ignoring your boundaries
Consistent negativity, lies
Betrayal of trust
Invalidation of your feelings
Gaslighting
Constant demands on your time
Lack of appreciation
Withholding affection
Unfair distribution of responsibilities
Unreliable behavior
One-sided relationships
Invasion of personal space
Not having a voice with them
Public humiliation - being mad fun of
Neglect
Disregard for your values
Now, ask yourself: What tolerations do you need to stop accepting?
Tolerating unacceptable behavior not only harms our mental and emotional well-being but also impedes our path to happiness. It's time to break free from this cycle and start setting healthy boundaries. Here are five tips to guide you on this empowering journey:
Know Your Values: Identify your core values and use them as a compass to discern what behaviors align with your beliefs.
Practice Self-Compassion: Cultivate a compassionate inner dialogue to counteract feelings of guilt or fear when setting boundaries.
Communicate Effectively: Clearly express your needs and boundaries, fostering open communication in your relationships.
Seek Support: Surround yourself with a support system that understands the importance of healthy boundaries.
Prioritize Self-Love: Invest time in self-love practices to nurture your well-being and reinforce your commitment to setting boundaries. Here’s the link for Kerry’s online course “Finding Happiness through Self-Love”.
Remember, breaking free from the cycle of tolerating hurtful behavior is a journey toward empowerment and happiness. By setting healthy boundaries, you reclaim control over your life, aligning your experiences with your values and goals. Click here for Kerry’s free "Setting Healthy Boundaries workbook". Boundaries are key to a happier life.
You matter. It’s time to start focusing on what you need.
Warmest Regards,
Kerry Life Coach
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SPOTS ARE FILLING UP! Join today Kerry’s Women’s Spring group sessions: Finding Happiness after a Toxic Relationship. Click here to learn more.
Joining Kerry's women's group Spring session, "Finding Happiness after a Toxic Relationship," is a transformative step towards breaking the cycle of tolerating hurtful behavior from others. Tolerating, especially during & after a toxic relationship, can take a toll on our self-worth, confidence, and inner peace. Kerry's group offers a unique space where like-minded women share similar struggles, providing an invaluable support system. Here, you'll discover the strength to stop tolerating what no longer aligns with your well-being. The collective wisdom and understanding within the group become a catalyst for healing, helping you rebuild your sense of self. Don't let tolerating toxic behavior hold you back; sign up today and embark on a journey towards lasting change and newfound happiness.
