The Beauty of Having Sex with the Lights ON
You’re probably wondering, “What crazy talk is this? Women don’t have sex with the lights on!” You may be right. Many women probably don’t enjoy sex with the lights on, or much less find it “beautiful.” But give me a chance to explain. Once you read further you may just find the beauty I am referring to. And, your relationship may become stronger for it.
As a woman I can attest to the fear and anxiety that comes with having sex with the lights. There is a vulnerability that comes with allowing our spouse an opportunity to view every inch of our body - every cellulite dimple, every stretch mark, and every flaw in full view. When we know those flaws are being seen by our spouse, we tend to hyper-focus on them and that can become one of the biggest hinderances to quality marital sex. Being self-conscious and tense in the bedroom makes it difficult to relax and be open and vulnerable with your mate. This openness and vulnerability are the main ingredients of a healthy environment in the bedroom for quality physical intimacy.
Here are some small steps you can take to become more open, vulnerable, and relaxed in the bedroom:
View yourself differently – This requires being intentional about what your mind sees when you look in the mirror. Instead of seeing parts of your body in a negative way, you focus instead on the good things about your body. For instance, you would tell yourself how powerful your thighs are as you hiked the mountain last weekend or you’d celebrate your “saggy” body parts as they carried and fed your children. We have a LOT to be grateful to our bodies for. Find ways to celebrate each and every thing your body does for you instead of critiquing the things you don’t like about it.
Communicate with your spouse – It can be awkward sharing your innermost insecurities with someone, even your spouse. It takes a tremendous amount of vulnerability to do that. If you feel safe with your spouse, try sharing with them how you are feeling about yourself and why those insecurities hinder you from fully enjoying sex. Give your spouse a chance to affirm their attraction to you. Soak in their compliments and assurances. Now, I need to stress again – do this only if you feel safe with your spouse. Not all marriages are safe spaces for this type of conversation. If you do not feel safe discussing this within your marriage, please seek out professional counseling to find ways to create a safe environment at home.
Focus on your spouse in the bedroom – Focusing on your spouse’s pleasure does three things: (1) it takes your mind off of your own body and focuses your attention on theirs, (2) It can be very erotic to watch your spouse respond to your touch and attention, which could enhance your own arousal, (3) and it can increase your confidence in the bedroom and help you see how sexy and attractive you are to your mate.
So, if we see ourselves in a more positive light, communicate openly, and enjoy our mate in the bedroom, I think we’d find ourselves being more comfortable with having the lights on during sex. And, we may even find that it’s a beautiful experience to truly see each other and relax knowing that our mates truly love and cherish us – and, more importantly, WE love and cherish ourselves!
written by Rev. Monica Humpal